i want to be chosen.

They say past performance predicts future behavior.

And boys and girls, they were right.

For the umteenth time when the boy passed a milestone and had free time and actual choices, he decided to choose...   not me.

Needless to say, I was upset.  Particularly upset because he knows how much I want to have a plan and know what's going on, and he knows I miss him and that this was the only free weekend (and only one night of that weekend at that) I had for the rest of this month.  He knows I wanted to see him this weekend and he knows that I will drop everything and drive two hours at nearly any given moment to spend time with him.

Yet, he did not choose me.

I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I tried to be patient.
I tried to wait for my turn.
I tried to understand where he was coming from.
I tried to give him the opportunity to make it up to me.

But I couldn't, I wasn't, I wouldn't, I didn't... and neither did he.

Last night, we repeated the same conversation we have had a hundred (or maybe just 3 or 4) other times.

He does not have feelings for me the way that I do.
He doesn't feel excited how he should about having a free weekend and spending time with me.
He wanted it.  He tried.  He believed it would work.

But it just wasn't.

So "the boy" and I are officially officially officially over.

He finished step 2 on Thursday, and called me after.  I was thrilled he thought of me-- I felt like maybe he really was coming along to catching up to where I was.
He said he would talk to me later, and didn't.
We chatted a little Friday and on Friday night I was upset about something and let him know.  He said he would talk to me about it the next day.  And didn't.
In fact, the next day, he did not talk to me all day until a single text at 11:00 pm when I was in bed.
Sunday morning, it felt very wrong to me.  Yes sometimes he would go silent when he was on rotation or studying really intensely or with family.  But this somehow felt different.  I felt he should have been wanting to talk to me and sharing his world with me, if not especially because this was the weekend we sorta kinda un-definitively planned (or not) on seeing each other... him coming to see me.
I sent him a text requesting that he just try in the future to give me a head's up when he wasn't going to be reachable for an extended amount of time, that I needed some better communication, and that I wasn't sure if I should be worried or that he was ignoring me.

He was so hungover he could not commit to calling me.

For 7 more hours.

So at 7:00 last night, I finally heard from him.  And it was not the conversation I expected.

He said he really did want this, that there was so much about me he loved, but ultimately he felt there was something missing.   He felt that he did not care for me as much as I did for him.  He said he felt guilty.  He felt awful.  But I really felt awful.  Because we have done this again and again and again.  "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."  And we did that.

I thought we were insanely in love.  But I guess I was just crazy and he was selfish, thinking that trying it again he was going to be able to give me what I needed.

It is really heart breaking how long this relationship has drawn out.  It has been over a year and a half since we started talking and dating.  We only said "I love you" weeks ago, and to him that was even too soon and too much.  We never met each other's family.  We never hung out with each other's friends.  Amazingly we actually did see each other at a great frequency in the last 6 weeks than we did the rest of our relationship.

This is so tough.  Because I always think that I am "mind over matter" with things like this.  I never thought I'd be the delusional dater, or be the lover in the unrequited love scenario.  But, this was the first person I have truly loved, and I guess it's just a part of my story and understanding of what love is now.

I keep telling myself, I should have known and I should have seen it coming and I predicted this would happen and I still went for it.  But that is not helping.

I'm crushed.

But, when it all comes down to it, I WANT to be chosen.  I want to be the person my guy wants to see the first chance they get.  And while I hate hate hate hate hate dating a lot, and it is frustrating sifting through the duds... I really can't wait to meet the guy out there who is even better than the boy.  And not just better, but better for me.