change is good / rally thursday

It's been a crazy week, y'all!

For the last month, my boss/superiors have really been coming down on me about my work performance.  It is just so difficult to keep up with the productivity expectations we have, but still be ethical and honest, and give our patients the best care and give good customer service, without being crazy stressed out!

Anyway, after all the pressure and conversations about my performance and feeling like I'm constantly on the defensive, my boss came to me YET AGAIN this week, telling me that the opportunity they previously offered me (to cover three buildings in order to get my 40 hours) was now being taken back, and I needed to choose either my current building, or to leave my site completely and go full-time at this other site.  I was pretty upset about this at first, because I really do love my site, my patients, the CNAs I work with, and my co-workers.

I started to consider everything... my career, where I want to go next with it, my finances, my stress, and even how much gas I'm using to drive between all the buildings.  I decided it was best to take this opportunity and make this transition right now to work at the new skilled nursing building.  I made the official decision today and told my boss.  I found out I have two weeks until I will be starting there full-time.  Since I have been covering a few treatments at this other building this week, I told the other employees there today that I am coming to be with them.  They were all really excited!!!!  And that made me feel really good about this.  They were just so supportive, and they seem to be thrilled to have me on their team.  The manager (whom I've only worked with a couple of times) actually threw her arms up in the air and did a little dance when I made the announcement!  I think it is going to be a good change, and though all transitions are tough, I think this one will be made easier by the great team I am going to be working with.

Since the breakup happened on Sunday, I am feeling much better.  He and I have been so back and forth on this since the beginning, and it just has finally come to rest.  Even though I felt this way the last time we broke up, it definitely just feels more official now.  I wrote a private blog post of all the things that have happened in the last year and a half where he really upset me, or made me feel badly, had me worried, had me paranoid, and where we didn't match up.  If I ever start to question my feelings for him again, I need to go and look through that blog post and remember why we don't work.  I deserve to be loved back, and I definitely don't want to go through all of that EVER again! Okay but seriously I MEAN IT.

As far as reacting to the challenges I've had this week, I think I always just want things to be on my terms.  It explains why I was hesitant about the job change at first, and it explains why I was so shocked about the boy ending things at first.  Because now, I am realizing that for both situations, these are the right things for me right now.  Truly I have been unhappy with both situations, had concerns and doubts and worries about both.  Even though I didn't want to be broken up with and did not want our relationship to end, it was kind of an out from the negative feelings I had been having.  And even though I did not want for my job to completely change and lose my amazing relationships at my current site, I had been so stressed out and was really just waiting for October (my one-year anniversary) to leave... so this opportunity was an early out.

He really wants to stay friends, and although I was extremely hesitant about it (actually AGAINST it) at first, it is just so hard not to want to text him and tell him something about my day.  Admittedly we have talked every day this week.  I read through some old g-chat conversations, both from when we were dating last summer, and from when we were "just friends" this past winter.  The conversations weren't that much different in content, but I do remember feeling stressed talking to him when we were dating because I felt I had to make the most of my opportunities with him, and felt like I was walking on eggshells worrying about bringing anything up or hinting that I had concerns, that would make him run off.  Whereas the conversations from this winter, I just plainly enjoyed talking to him and catching up about life, being totally honest and open with him about things I was going through.  And it almost seemed like he was a lot more talkative when we were "just friends" as well.  Even though when we were dating we talked more frequently, there was less depth.  As friends, we talked less often but had great conversations and got closer.  But I know previously, I always continued to wonder if it would ever be more than that again.  And we tried... two more times.  Now, maybe we can be friends without that feeling in the back of my mind wondering if it would ever work.  Do you think it's possible to remain friends with an ex that you loved more than they loved you?  Is it worth it to try, or am I setting myself up for more hurt?