a turning point

6 months of constant questioning, doubt, feeling like all i was doing was waiting for him and wanting something that wasn't there, and justifying that one night together out of a month, two months, or longer, was worth all of that stress and worry and unsureness.  after that, 6 more months of questioning whether it was the right decision to end it all and whether it was possible to be "friends".  we finally figured out it wasn't possible, and then it took two more months of "trying", a lot of tears and heart to hearts with my mom, and yet another cancelled date to make me force myself to declare it wasn't possible to be more than friends either.

it only took another two months of silence, unfriending on facebook, and blocked g-chat for us to realize we can't live without each other.

the silence was broken about a month ago, and we haven't stopped talking since.
two weekends ago, i went out to the coast on a long weekend for a friend's bachelorette celebration. a late night phone convo that weekend led to an invitation to drive just slightly out of my way to see him for a few hours, on my way back home from the beach on the monday after.  i realized, on my drive, that this was the first time i was on my way to see him, with the sole purpose of the trip being to see him.  excluding this particular visit, he and i had seen each other in person a total of 5 times in a year.  two of those times were when we were still "together", and our visits were short, last minute add-ons to a trip for a job interview, and another trip to visit friends.  one of the times was the post-breakup meeting to get my necklace back i had left at his house, and basically to have a real in-person breakup.  the other two times were this winter, and again, were situations where i was in town for other purposes (to visit friends), but managed to include him on my itinerary "as friends" (however on both occasions, we did not behave as such).  but this particular trip, two weeks ago, was different.  the feeling i felt on the 3 hour drive was a combination of excitement to see this guy i am nuts about and missed so much, and nervousness about whether entering back into something that had failed so many times before was the right thing to do.  the nervous feeling-- that was very familiar.  we were so on edge at the end of last summer, i was always so sure we were on the verge of a break up each time we talked or tried to make plans.   that excitement feeling though... that was new.  i loved it.

i got there in the afternoon and left at about 11pm.  we watched our favorite show and snuggled and joked and kissed and talked about serious things and things that made no sense.  we went out for a real dinner date, and chatted about family and careers and goals and flirted and laughed.  i can't even tell you the last time we spent time together outside of his apartment, besides a post-sleepover brunch.  i remembered why we have such a hard time not being in each others' lives.  there is something so comforting and warm and happy about being with him.  it is easy.  and did i mention we hardly see each other and even went weeks without talking to each other?  how can we deny how real our connection is?

i thought i felt that i was in love with him this time last year.  i've never felt that way about anybody before so i wasn't sure, but i knew the level of dedication i felt for him being long distance, after only having dated a few months, must mean something.  because our relationship wasn't perfect and had so many critics, i questioned how legit my feeling was.  because of the "nerves" i never told him how i really felt because i was so scared he didn't feel the same.  i danced around it and waited for him to read my mind.  we gave into the struggles and the criticism and tried to take the easy way out by ending the relationship. more than once  it just turned out that it wasn't as easy as we both hoped.

so, after spending a year and a half on this roller coaster... wondering, questioning and waiting... trying and failing... i finally realized, with certainty, why God has had us doing this to ourselves.

"i love you"

"i love you too."

i have never been more sure.  i don't know why but it is so different this time.  i'm not scared anymore.  i'm not worried.  i'm not on edge.  i know it's not going to be easy, i know we've got a long road ahead with even more, new challenges.  but we are stronger and closer than ever, and now being able to tell him how much i really care, without dancing around it, is a major turning point for us.  it only took us a year and a half to get there, and i'm pretty sure that's nothing compared to forever. <3