if it comes back... it's yours?

It's been 7 weeks since I talked to 'the boy'.   We made it 7 weeks.  That's kind of a lie, because it was both of our birthdays within the 7 weeks and we wished each other a cordial happy birthday text (Ok I also sent him a card because I couldn't help myself... I love getting cards).  So besides cordial birthday greetings... we haven't talked for 7 weeks.

But last night that changed.

I was sitting at a bar with some girlfriends last night, catching up on life.  Earlier I mentioned to one friend how I was so proud of myself that it had been 7 weeks since he and I had talked.  I said again how it felt really good to have a clean break and that I was healing so much better than before.  I was trying to advise her on a growing complicated relationship she's involved with and using myself as an example...  I was telling my other friend about how we still hadn't said anything to each other and that it was getting a little hard, and that I was feeling a lot of temptation to reach out to him but fighting it.  There is something probably everyday that makes me think of him.  Little things at work or on a tv show or a phrase somebody says or a mention of his hometown on the news.  He had unfriended me on facebook a few weeks ago, and I decided that if nothing else, it was a sign that he at least cares.  "He cares enough to unfriend me on facebook....."  Ha!

Well anyway, sure enough, not even 30 minutes after I was talking to my friends about him, I get a text... 

How do I react to this?!  What do I do?  We obviously both care so much about each other and are thinking about each other.  The things we loved about each other... those are still there.  I know he's lonely.  We're far apart and we haven't talked in weeks.  I think when you're lonely and haven't seen somebody in a long time, it's just easier to remember the good things about the person you miss but you ignore the things that weren't good and weren't working.  It's easier to just block those things out.

How I reacted: I got home around 2, got ready for bed and tried calling him.  He answered.
_______________________________________________________________________

I miss you.

-I miss you too.

I think about you all the time... something makes me think of you every day.  I miss being able to call you and talk to you.

-I think about you every day too.

Then why can't we go back to where we were before?  We were so happy.  We were good.  What happened?  Why did you quit?  Why did you give up?

-Because it wasn't good.  I wasn't happy.  I didn't quit or give up.  It was foolish to keep trying the same thing and expecting something different.  We weren't communicating.  I felt left out.  I did not feel like I was a priority in your life.

What do you want?  Do we keep trying?  What do we do?

-I don't know.
_________________________________________________________________________

This went on for literally two hours last night.  After the first hour I thought we were done (at least for the night)... I was tired and we weren't accomplishing anything.   I hung up and he called back 5 minutes later... it went on for another hour of talking in circles about how we wish it would work, wish we could be together, and wonder if it could still work.

Here's the ultimate dilemma.
If we don't try, will we look back and wish we had?  If we do try and it fails, will we look back and regret wasting our time... again?

We love each other.  In an ideal situation, we would be living in the same town, have more free time in common, communicate every day, go on dates every once in awhile, spend regular time together running errands or doing chores or sitting around talking, and we would be together.  We would have more real time to get to know each other and to know if we would make good partners.

But we have never had that.  Could it ever happen someday in the future?  Maybe.

If I knew for certainty that we were going to end up together in say, 2 or 3 years, would it be worth it to go through all the crap and hard work and difficult times to get to a good outcome?  Yes of course!  The problem is there is no certainty.  And despite how freakin' much I love this man, we have had such LITTLE time as a regular normal couple to be able to count on it working.  There is just so little certainty.

What if we keep trying, and it takes us another 6 months, another year, just to keep reinforcing to ourselves that it will never work out.  Are we banging our heads against the wall?  Or are we working our tails off because it could end up being something amazing?

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."

I know for starters, he and I owe it to ourselves to have a serious conversation -- face to face -- to work it out together.  The two of us.  I don't need to bring my friends and my mom into it like I always do, and get myself all worked up before I even bring him into it.  If I've learned one thing in the last year and a half, it's that nobody else in my world completely gets our relationship but the two of us.  It's not over....