Am I made for this kind of relationship? I thought I was strong enough and independent enough. I thought WE could do it and WE could make it work. But no matter what, the vicious cycle of disappointment after disappointment after disappointment (with moments of "he would if he could" or "it's not his fault" in between each one) continues... it's never going to stop. Right? Why doesn't it get easier though? I tell myself: temper your expectations, don't get your hopes up too quickly, don't plan ahead too much. But when you love somebody how do you NOT do those things? If I didn't do those things, how would I know how I really felt about the person? You expect a lot because there has been evidence of it before; you get your hopes up because you are so excited to see them; and you plan ahead because it's just fun, and because you want to make the most of the time you spend with them.
Disappointment happened again today. And actually it's happened a few times since "we [sorta] got back together [half way]". It was the weekend of March 9 that we spent together and got to talk a ton, reach the best level of understanding and connection we'd ever had, and both feel clarity and just felt renewed with our relationship. That was the last time we saw each other: just over 6 weeks ago. And we've been apart for stretches WAY longer than that so 6 weeks seems like nothing.
1. He invited me to Wilmington, then reneged last minute when he was too behind on studying. But I'd already conditioned myself to stop "planning" and stop "getting my hopes up" and stop "expecting" for those dreams to work out. Wilmington was a lofty one... I kind of "expected" it to fall through so even though I was disappointed I wasn't THAT disappointed (I told myself).
2. This past weekend I don't hear back from him for 4 days, only to find out he purposely "disconnected" this weekend when he went to see his parents for the weekend off. Well, I definitely get the desire of being disconnected... that's great and I'm sure he needed it. But... one, why not tell me ahead of time? And two, disconnected from everyone else means disconnected from me too... (And let's just clarify- I am NOT a clinger or overbearing, he messages me first the majority of the time). And three, he was ONE HOUR from me all weekend. That is the closest we have been to each other (besides visits in the exact same town) in a YEAR and he doesn't make an effort to contact me, or try to see me or work me in to his weekend off? ***AFTER cancelling on me like 3 weeks before?
3. Come Sunday night, when I finally hear from him, I find out he has THIS WHOLE WEEK off. Surprise. And he is still in his hometown (yes 1 hour from me) and did not bother to try to plan ahead a way to try to see me or work it in. How does this NOT cross his mind when it's the FIRST thing I think of when I find out where he is????? SO, I find this out and I tell him,
Me: I want to tell you to meet me for dinner [this week], but I know you're gonna say no...
Him: You're the wrong direction... but tell me anyway please.
Me: :( K come anyway.
Him: It has been on my mind a lot. I almost wanted to just drive to Charlotte today, but then I had to see my Grandma.
Me: I'm not the wrong direction when it's another 9 weeks till I see you. But I'll stop. Can't help it. If meeting u halfway makes a different that's an option too.
Him: Haha Ok, We will make it work. Maybe Tuesday?
Me: Yep, it would mean a lot.
Him: Dinner I can promise. I was hoping to surprise you. We will see what else.
I fall asleep smiling and telling myself I was crazy for even worrying all weekend... and dreaming about dinner and "what else".
The last two days, I have tried to temper my expectations, I have tried not to get my hopes up, and I have tried not to plan ahead.
But... when you love somebody... and haven't seen them in 6 weeks... and originally thought you weren't going to see them for another 2 months... YOU CAN'T HELP IT! I have played out our date in my mind, imagined wonderful kisses, told a few [select] friends how excited I am, and tried on outfits in my head all day at work... How do you NOT do that???? That's the fun exciting thrilling part of dating! HOW DO I NOT DO THAT? It was almost even more fun because it was so last minute...
Until 2:30pm today: "My grandma may be headed to the hospital... not doing well at all today. Idk where this leaves us for dinner yet but wanted to give you early warning on it. Maybe she will get better quickly if she does to the ER."
Haven't heard anything since. It's after 6:00. I should be dressed up and in his car on the way to a restaurant. I'm collapsed on my bed still in my work clothes bawling my eyes out.
Disappointment.
:/
ReplyDeleteWhere there's a will, there's a way. When my husband and I were dating he was on-call almost 24/7. Yet, he was always able to find a way to always let me know he was thinking of me. While he would have to re-schedule dates due to emergencies, etc., he would always make it up to me. Hopefully, he will do the same for you!
Oh god this seems really difficult. First, you should make it clear that long distance is based on communication so he cant just shut off the phone and walk away without telling you. And that seems very strange he's not willing to make an effort to meet you- an hour is NOTHING. I understand the whole thing with his grandmother but is he goIng to be by her side the whole night - probably not. You should probably have another long talk about communication and expectations. The distance requires a lot of the former and it isn't unreasonable to want the things you want. Best of luck sweetie!
ReplyDelete