letting go & moving on

I think we're both thinking the same thing.

This is too hard.  It has been hard since we met.  It is supposed to be easy.  It should not be this hard for two people who are right for each other.  We just aren't the right two people for each other.

It wasn't one thing that happened.  It wasn't just recently I felt this way.  It's not something specific you did, but I kept waiting to feel loved and cared about and important, and I didn't.  And this time I didn't feel that way and it brought back all the feelings of all the other times I felt broken because I didn't feel loved and prioritized and cared for.

I'm so sorry.

I care about you so much.

You have so much going on in your world.  And you should be saving the free time you do have to be with your family. The decision shouldn't be so difficult.

I don't know what this means.  I don't know if we can be friends.

I can't hang up.  Because I don't know the next time I'm going to talk to you.

____________________________________________

It went a little something like that.....

I really honestly don't know what this means.  But it really has been hard for him and I since day one, when we met in January 2012.  Heck, it took three tries and multiple cancellations (a couple on my part) just for us to get a first date.  And then to get the first date to move into something more.  And after that, a lot more times where I questioned and wondered and lacked confidence about where we were.  It has been hard ALL along, even when we were broken up...  And, out of the times when it wasn't hard-- a lot of them were the times where I was practically begging for attention, or in bed.  And that's just not enough.

I don't know what it means for the future. Nobody can predict that... but I can't put myself through this anymore and I can't lead myself on thinking it might work sometime down the road... thinking at some point his life will settle down... hoping that at someday I'll move up on his priorities list.  I have to move on.  We both have to move on.

I am already very lonely in my life right now, and I just said goodbye to one of my best friends and the person I thought I was going to end up with.  It definitely sucks, but after having a lot of time to think about it, and after finally getting to talk to him tonight, I have so much clarity that it's the right thing to do.  I am loving my job right now, and thinking about having to move back to where he is to be closer to him when/if our relationship got more serious was already stressing me out because I could definitely stay at my job for a good 3-5 years and I love Charlotte and I don't want to start all over AGAIN, even if I'm not totally on my feet here yet.  And as hard as second year and step one and third year has been... picturing it only becoming more difficult for him gives me very little hope for our relationship getting better and stronger and growing.  He barely has time to take care of himself... what about a house and a dog and a wedding and all those other things I (or hopefully "we") would want?

I felt a lot of conviction the last couple days that he and I are just missing "something"... some puzzle piece or keystone or something that would make us fit how a loving, strong, marriage-bound couple should fit.  Maybe it was the distance, maybe it was the time, or maybe it was something that we just never had the time to figure out because we didn't have the chance to spend regular Saturdays and random Wednesday nights together.  Maybe being long-distance for this long kept us from having the close bond we needed to really get each other.  Maybe we're too young and immature.

I don't know what it means, but I am sure this is the right thing right now.  It's not what I want or what I wish, and I am heart broken, but it's right.

When you love something, let it go... right?