the last few weeks have been so WEIRD.
for one, the ex-boy and i saw each other in person for the first time in two months (he broke up via text, remember) the very beginning of october. he has been in charlotte now for a rotation. the weekend prior, he was extra open with me sharing stories about some tough times he was having on his rotation, and wanting to hang out, and maybe a little bit too friendly about it... fortunately (yes, fortunately) we didn't end up seeing each other, as he had had too much to drink and i was busy with a redecorating project, and it was for the best that we weren't together during a sad, under-the-influence situation on his part, and a lonely, been-cooped-up-all-day situation on mine. however, we agreed to meet up before i was to go out of town... primarily because i wanted to retrieve a necklace of mine he still had before my brother's wedding. we met in the parking lot of his temp apartment building (they are not allowed to have any guests in the med student temp housing) on a monday night, and while he had originally said he didn't have time to see me that night, i insisted, and we sat in my car and talked for about an hour... not just friendly small talk, but about us. it was kinda like breaking up again, but more real, and with less surprise. it was hard. he sort of (i think) took back what he said about not feeling anything "romantic" for me. that almost makes it harder to accept and move on. we both said how hard it was to be sitting 12 inches from each other and not touching in some way... the spark and intense need to be with each other was THERE. it was there. i felt it and it was NOT fake because i felt it and was mad and wanted to hate him, but i couldn't. we had something. maybe we still do. he was very assured in that it is not right for us to be together anymore, and i think i am too, but only because of how sure he is. he really has a lot going on in his world, and has had a lot to deal with the last two years.. and emotionally, he is just not available for a relationship like the one we would both want with each other. and though it's been almost three weeks since that conversation... it makes me tear up thinking about how right and how good we seem to be together... but how right and good it is that we aren't.. at least right now. some part of me i think is still holding onto the possibility that the future could be different... holding on, but not depending on. i do look at other guys and feel excited about meeting new people and possible dates and flirting and the feeling of what a first kiss will be like with someone else. i know i'm not hanging on too much... but really, it's still hard and i think about him every day... and refrain from my urge to text him something or ask him how his day was. anyway.. that happened. we agreed we want to try to be friends but that we both need to be clear in our intentions and not walk a fine line between friend and more-than-friend so we can allow ourselves to heal properly. and i feel that i know myself and heart well enough that if it becomes not appropriate to be friends anymore, or that i haven't moved on by a time when i should have, or simply that a friendship can't work out... that i'll be able to listen to that feeling. but we just had too much together and respect and care about each other too much... it's a shame to lose ALL of that.
ANYWAY.
since then i have been in california for 16 days... palmdale, redondo beach, san diego, and back to palmdale... tomorrow i go to vegas! when i get back starts WORK, moving in completely to my new house, decorating (YAY), halloween!, and just the excitement of being in a new city and meeting new people and having fun. there is sooo much to look forward to and a lot of fun future posts that i am already excited about, and the potential stories they may be based on haven't even happened yet.
i find it so much harder to keep up with a routine when the rest of my life has no structure! while i've had a lot of fun days here in Cali, i've had WAY too many days of "nothing to do" and have caved tooooo often to blowing a day on the couch watching HGTV and playing on pinterest... time for ACTION!
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