itineraries

planning. scheduling. looking ahead. predicting. time managing......  flexibility, open-mindedness, not committing, spontaneity, procrastination....

i am so conflicted when it comes to planning and being flexible.  i like to plan. i hate the unknown. i like knowing what's going to happen and having an itinerary and sticking with it and following through.  graduate july 27. take the boards sept 4. start new job oct 23. boom boom boom.

i ALWAYS get myself in trouble planning things. and i always know full well that when i make a plan it's probably not going to end up turning out that way.  but i still think it's good to plan ahead.  a failure to plan is a plan to fail, after all.  but... even the best laid plans often go awry.  so what do i do?

the thing is, i just can't help but to plan!  it gives me a high. i actually enjoy the act of making a list.  it makes me feel better when i plan things out, consider all possible scenarios, strategize how to be the most efficient.  it makes me a little batty when i think of a month coming ahead and not knowing where i'm going to be or what i'm going to be doing on a given day, let's say, september 21.  AHHHHHH.  i just LOVE knowing even though i know i don't actually know.  guessing makes me feel better in the mean time.  but oh i just LOVE the feeling when i made a plan and it went just how i thought it would, JUST as i pictured.  go me.  or i love it when i got to everything on my to-do list because i followed my schedule. OR even better when i simply predicted  something that was out of my control but i couldn't stand being clueless so i just guessed and put all my hopes on it because it made me feel better (see also: me in relationships. haha)... mmm bad. stop doing that.

why do i take it SO HARD when things don't go as planned. i don't like to be wrong, go back on my word, cancel or postpone a plan, or let anyone down. hate it.  i tried earlier in august to just not make a plan at all, but then i hated being asked "so what are you doing this month" and saying, "i don't know!"  so i make a fake plan and feel badly when it changes and i already told it to someone.  AHHHH.  "if you want to make God laugh, just make a plan."

it makes me a little anxious just thinking about how i'll make plans in the future.  i'm really trying to plan how i will plan?

anyway, this all stems from the fact that i just booked my flights for october to go to LA for my bro#3's wedding...  I'll fly out from NC, then stay in LA an extra week and a half, while they are on their honeymoon, to babysit their dog and spend more time with bro#1 who lives in san diego.  when bro#3 and wife come back, i'll go to LAS VEGAS for the weekend with friends, then back to NC to get on with real life.  well, looking at flight arrangements for all of this is QUITE overwhelming for someone who wants the perfect plan for something that's still a month away.  well, i have to say, for the girl who loves to make plans but hates going back on them, booking $450 worth of airfare all over the country is an EXTREME relief because... i can't go back on it! i don't have to be flexible!  i get to commit! and there's a schedule!  no unknowns!  i WILL be sitting in seat 9F at 12:10 pm. no questions asked.

aaaaaaaaaah :)