if it comes back... it's yours?

It's been 7 weeks since I talked to 'the boy'.   We made it 7 weeks.  That's kind of a lie, because it was both of our birthdays within the 7 weeks and we wished each other a cordial happy birthday text (Ok I also sent him a card because I couldn't help myself... I love getting cards).  So besides cordial birthday greetings... we haven't talked for 7 weeks.

But last night that changed.

I was sitting at a bar with some girlfriends last night, catching up on life.  Earlier I mentioned to one friend how I was so proud of myself that it had been 7 weeks since he and I had talked.  I said again how it felt really good to have a clean break and that I was healing so much better than before.  I was trying to advise her on a growing complicated relationship she's involved with and using myself as an example...  I was telling my other friend about how we still hadn't said anything to each other and that it was getting a little hard, and that I was feeling a lot of temptation to reach out to him but fighting it.  There is something probably everyday that makes me think of him.  Little things at work or on a tv show or a phrase somebody says or a mention of his hometown on the news.  He had unfriended me on facebook a few weeks ago, and I decided that if nothing else, it was a sign that he at least cares.  "He cares enough to unfriend me on facebook....."  Ha!

Well anyway, sure enough, not even 30 minutes after I was talking to my friends about him, I get a text... 

How do I react to this?!  What do I do?  We obviously both care so much about each other and are thinking about each other.  The things we loved about each other... those are still there.  I know he's lonely.  We're far apart and we haven't talked in weeks.  I think when you're lonely and haven't seen somebody in a long time, it's just easier to remember the good things about the person you miss but you ignore the things that weren't good and weren't working.  It's easier to just block those things out.

How I reacted: I got home around 2, got ready for bed and tried calling him.  He answered.
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I miss you.

-I miss you too.

I think about you all the time... something makes me think of you every day.  I miss being able to call you and talk to you.

-I think about you every day too.

Then why can't we go back to where we were before?  We were so happy.  We were good.  What happened?  Why did you quit?  Why did you give up?

-Because it wasn't good.  I wasn't happy.  I didn't quit or give up.  It was foolish to keep trying the same thing and expecting something different.  We weren't communicating.  I felt left out.  I did not feel like I was a priority in your life.

What do you want?  Do we keep trying?  What do we do?

-I don't know.
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This went on for literally two hours last night.  After the first hour I thought we were done (at least for the night)... I was tired and we weren't accomplishing anything.   I hung up and he called back 5 minutes later... it went on for another hour of talking in circles about how we wish it would work, wish we could be together, and wonder if it could still work.

Here's the ultimate dilemma.
If we don't try, will we look back and wish we had?  If we do try and it fails, will we look back and regret wasting our time... again?

We love each other.  In an ideal situation, we would be living in the same town, have more free time in common, communicate every day, go on dates every once in awhile, spend regular time together running errands or doing chores or sitting around talking, and we would be together.  We would have more real time to get to know each other and to know if we would make good partners.

But we have never had that.  Could it ever happen someday in the future?  Maybe.

If I knew for certainty that we were going to end up together in say, 2 or 3 years, would it be worth it to go through all the crap and hard work and difficult times to get to a good outcome?  Yes of course!  The problem is there is no certainty.  And despite how freakin' much I love this man, we have had such LITTLE time as a regular normal couple to be able to count on it working.  There is just so little certainty.

What if we keep trying, and it takes us another 6 months, another year, just to keep reinforcing to ourselves that it will never work out.  Are we banging our heads against the wall?  Or are we working our tails off because it could end up being something amazing?

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."

I know for starters, he and I owe it to ourselves to have a serious conversation -- face to face -- to work it out together.  The two of us.  I don't need to bring my friends and my mom into it like I always do, and get myself all worked up before I even bring him into it.  If I've learned one thing in the last year and a half, it's that nobody else in my world completely gets our relationship but the two of us.  It's not over....

my "babies"

Several weeks ago, I wrote about my lame 20-something single life, and an herb/vegetable garden project I was just starting.  I should mention I live in the city...and this is my first time planting actual vegetables.  I've done well with basil in the past, but only until it gets so hot in the NC sun that I couldn't keep up with watering.

For starters, I love the location I have for my container vegetable garden.  It is right out the back door of my townhouse, and I actually use this door regularly so I am constantly walking by the plants, and so I have no excuse for not noticing if they are dry or bug-infested.  It also gets GREAT sun (in the afternoons and evenings), which tomatoes need.  Not bad for "city" living...

Backdoor step, skyline view and PM sunshine

The last weekend of April (so only about 5 weeks ago) I planted little sprout plants in two containers, including a better boy tomato, a "patio" hybrid tomato (cultivated especially for containers), a red bell pepper, basil, rosemary, and cilantro.  I do not have baby photos, but I do have three-week photos.

Lil tomaters growing up!

Fresh herbs!

I was SUPER proud of my little guys at this point.  From left to right, it's the red bell, better boy, and the patio tomato.  I thought my cilantro was crazy at this stage... but this was just the beginning.  At four weeks, they were getting heavy, so I staked and tied them.  My stakes are 4ft, and only maybe 6" deep in the pot, so the one of the middle is not quite 3 feet tall.  I flipped my box around to help with even sunlight.  I was worried my little pepper (on the left) was getting hidden by the big leaves.  All the plants had at least 1 or 2 blossoms at week 4.

But.. the most eventful finding so far is my first fruits!  I discovered these last night and am THRILLED!  This is on the "patio" tomato. It is staked at the main stem, but has very strong branches so it did not need ties to hold them up.  I counted 13 fruits so far.  Since they are so easy to grow, I am skeptical of how good they will actually taste.  The more and more plants are crossed and cultivated and hybridized to grow easily, they start to lose their good natural flavors.

My pride and joy.

Next to the door to show how TALL they are. Nearly 4ft!

 The better boy tomatoes are a popular growing variety, hopefully because they're delicious.  The better kinds should probably be planted in more open beds with room to spread their leave without tangling with neighboring plants... but everybody is hanging in there pretty well so far, so maybe I'll prove that idea wrong.  My grandma and aunt told me about pruning "suckers" (stems that do not produce fruits, but suck good nutrients away from the rest of the fruit bearing stems) from tomato plants, and I had no idea I was missing such an important step!  I did prune the betterboy quite a bit to help with overcrowding and promote nutrient distribution. :)  (Nerd alert.....I studied biology in college after all...).

Overloaded with cilantro and basil!

Yum!  I need to find some good recipes for my herbs... I have made some salsas, cilantro-lime fish tacos, caprese salad, basil chicken with quinoa.  I'm feeling a little more experimental now.  It's so nice having my favorite herbs right outside the back door.

Growing my vegetables as well as my window boxes on the front porch of the house has really grown into a huge hobby for me.  It makes me LOVE having a real job and having the time (and extra disposable income...) to try these things out for the first time. 

Petunia, sweet potato vine (two colors), and celosia

My parents and both sets of grandparents were always big into gardening and landscaping.  My mom grew up on a farm, and even after my grandparents gave up farming, they kept quite a little hobby field farm of crops, a grape orchard, and even chickens.  My paternal grandma loves her garden, and I was at her house this past weekend helping her put in 40 begonias and spread mulch in the side yard. She is 89 and lives alone, and her outdoor space has become a big hobby for her too. I've been sharing my successes with mom, and this was her take on all of it...