he's my...... uhh, "good friend"

my "good friend" and i met a little over a year ago while i was wrapping up my last year of grad school, and he was in the middle of his 2nd year of med school.  we instantly clicked when we met (through mutual friends), had a great first date, continued to text each other regularly... but nothing. happened.  never made plans, didn't run into each other, nothing more than texts that i couldn't decipher as being either really clever/cute/charming or just part of his game.  it took a couple months for us to realize we really (reallllyyy) had feelings for each other and wanted to pursue a relationship, despite how crazy his life was.

the first few months we got to know each other, i had a lot of doubt about where he was coming from, whether he was really interested, whether i was more into it than he was, if i was being led on, if i was being too easy... "if he really cared about you, he would make time" said my friends who were joined at the hip with their respective BFs (now live-in fiances).  "i care" he said, enough to end the hours and hours i had already spent crying.  i look back on those first few months: tear-filled, confused, broken-hearted, let down, disappointed..... but somehow there was enough to commit to an LDR with the busiest person i had ever met.

with the exception of time, our lives match up in so many ways. faith, family, values, personality, interests, sense of humor. we both love to talk. ramble. and listen.  the physical chemistry is unlike any i've ever experienced (which goes a looooong way in my book). we both picture the same ending: married, kids, beach vacations, church on sunday mornings, dinner at the table. settled. and happy.

four months, 2 really (REALLY) brief in-person visits, several amazing one-way care packages, and way too many missed calls and unreturned texts later: he called it quits.  one week later, "i am so sorry. i want to be friends," he said.  two weeks later, "i care" he said.  a month later, "i can't do this," i said, still hurting.

"i care" he said.  i didn't believe him.  "if he cared... he would make time."

he did.

fast forward to the last month. we still do not live near each other, but at least the 7 hour distance shrunk to 2 1/2.  we don't see each other all the time, but we have spent considerable time together two times in the last two months.  we talk 2-3 times a week. about everything. life. struggles. hilarious stories. boring tidbits. i always hear back when i reach out, but more often, he is the first to initiate conversation.

we spent the better part of 24 hours together this weekend. it was a fluke. i knew i was coming into town... to see friends... but based on history (and his medicine rotation schedule) there was a good chance i would NOT be seeing him.  somehow we beat those odds.

it is a year and two months since we first met, and 6 months since we "broke up"... yet i feel closer and more connected to him now than i ever did.  we are more open and honest with each other.  i am not sad like i was when we were 7 hours apart and i was in a city where i knew nobody and he was two-timing me with step-1 studying.  i am not resentful about him "not" making time for me, because i am simply thankful for the times he DOES make time for me.  i miss him, but i don't MISSSSS him to the point of distraction.  the pressure of a "relationship" is gone... but the things that matter are there.  we care deeply about each other.  we aren't causing hurt, guilt, sadness, or jealousy.  we lift each other up, and maybe even make each other better.

it doesn't make sense to anyone else.... but does it need to?