checking off my list!

my list of "to-do"s is HUGE right now!  the problem is... until yesterday, i hadn't actually made my list... all the things "i keep forgetting to do" were not getting done, but instead were hanging, quite rudely, over my head.

i am a big fan of lists. i just love making lists. i find it very satisfying to write things down.   and crossing things off.  i love coming across old lists while cleaning and realizing i had LONG since completed everything on it.  i find little to be more satisfying than completing a list. :)

in grad school i was glued to my laptop, and i became a big fan of 'sticky notes' on windows. nothing fancy, but very practical... and a great way to procrastinate from the work i should have actually been doing on the computer.  i'd have about 5 different colored boxes on my screen... class assignments, household duties, lists of potential apartments/houses, grocery list, board exam topics.  but it's a little bit less thrilling to close a box than it is to draw a big X or a squiggly line.

then in the fall, i (finally) became a member of the smart phone culture, and fell in love with the "Any List" app.  now, crossing things off is a little more exciting, because a mere tap causes a big fat red line to run across the item!  the grocery list feature even categorizes my list by section of the store so i can be really efficient and cross off my list even faster... and clear my checks to save my list for the next time!

but, even with these fancy list-making technologies, e-lists just don't have the same power.  my electronic notes get ignored and forgotten about amidst all the other texts and emails and reminders popping up on the tiny multi-purpose screen.  and my computer had been gathering dust since i hadn't used it in over a week.

i moved to a new house about a week ago, and besides having heavy shoulders, i am still so unsettled and many of my belongings are trapped in unlabeled boxes!  but yesterday, i just had to find a special something.  the search was on- i knew if i could dig out these supplies i would be set.  yep, i scrounged up a good old fashioned notepad and a pen ... and my life changed!  there is nothing like classic ink and paper to get me motivated!  and OH did it feel good to cross off things like formal address changes for postal service, my job, bank, the state board, and others, find my lost w2 from a job i left last March, DO MY TAXES (granted i am extremely uncomplicated), empty the dishwasher, water my flowers, call the electric and gas companies to change the account names, mail my car payment, and do two loads of laundry..... things i had needed to do for WEEKS, wrapped up all in one night.

TO DONE!

he's my...... uhh, "good friend"

my "good friend" and i met a little over a year ago while i was wrapping up my last year of grad school, and he was in the middle of his 2nd year of med school.  we instantly clicked when we met (through mutual friends), had a great first date, continued to text each other regularly... but nothing. happened.  never made plans, didn't run into each other, nothing more than texts that i couldn't decipher as being either really clever/cute/charming or just part of his game.  it took a couple months for us to realize we really (reallllyyy) had feelings for each other and wanted to pursue a relationship, despite how crazy his life was.

the first few months we got to know each other, i had a lot of doubt about where he was coming from, whether he was really interested, whether i was more into it than he was, if i was being led on, if i was being too easy... "if he really cared about you, he would make time" said my friends who were joined at the hip with their respective BFs (now live-in fiances).  "i care" he said, enough to end the hours and hours i had already spent crying.  i look back on those first few months: tear-filled, confused, broken-hearted, let down, disappointed..... but somehow there was enough to commit to an LDR with the busiest person i had ever met.

with the exception of time, our lives match up in so many ways. faith, family, values, personality, interests, sense of humor. we both love to talk. ramble. and listen.  the physical chemistry is unlike any i've ever experienced (which goes a looooong way in my book). we both picture the same ending: married, kids, beach vacations, church on sunday mornings, dinner at the table. settled. and happy.

four months, 2 really (REALLY) brief in-person visits, several amazing one-way care packages, and way too many missed calls and unreturned texts later: he called it quits.  one week later, "i am so sorry. i want to be friends," he said.  two weeks later, "i care" he said.  a month later, "i can't do this," i said, still hurting.

"i care" he said.  i didn't believe him.  "if he cared... he would make time."

he did.

fast forward to the last month. we still do not live near each other, but at least the 7 hour distance shrunk to 2 1/2.  we don't see each other all the time, but we have spent considerable time together two times in the last two months.  we talk 2-3 times a week. about everything. life. struggles. hilarious stories. boring tidbits. i always hear back when i reach out, but more often, he is the first to initiate conversation.

we spent the better part of 24 hours together this weekend. it was a fluke. i knew i was coming into town... to see friends... but based on history (and his medicine rotation schedule) there was a good chance i would NOT be seeing him.  somehow we beat those odds.

it is a year and two months since we first met, and 6 months since we "broke up"... yet i feel closer and more connected to him now than i ever did.  we are more open and honest with each other.  i am not sad like i was when we were 7 hours apart and i was in a city where i knew nobody and he was two-timing me with step-1 studying.  i am not resentful about him "not" making time for me, because i am simply thankful for the times he DOES make time for me.  i miss him, but i don't MISSSSS him to the point of distraction.  the pressure of a "relationship" is gone... but the things that matter are there.  we care deeply about each other.  we aren't causing hurt, guilt, sadness, or jealousy.  we lift each other up, and maybe even make each other better.

it doesn't make sense to anyone else.... but does it need to?

"adult" ballet class: when grown-ups aren't that much different from teenagers

In January, I discovered something I had been dreaming about for years.

A land where it's acceptable to wear nothing but tights and a skin-tight leotard.  An excuse to break out my basket of bobbie pins to create a perfect bun on my head.  A place where french is the primary language spoken-- with a LOT of translating.  And a place where I can plie, releve, echepe, twist, turn, wobble and awkwardly lose my balance without feeling ashamed or watched by anyone.

I found an adult ballet class!

I am new in my city, and I had been going through a really hard time leading up to the holidays.  As of the new year, I made it my goal to start trying new things, looking for ways to fill my evenings to distract me from my stress and loneliness, and means to get more physically active as well.  I signed up for yoga and pure barre classes, spoiled myself with a pair of lulu wunder unders, and started to get back into running too, discovering an amazing park in my city with fantastic trails!  Then, I discovered an adult ballet class.  WHAT!  Such a thing exists?????  I took ballet lessons from age 6 to 18, though my studio was NOT very serious or intensive... but I still loved the art of dance and I knew the basic positions... and still owned tights, a leotard, and a couple decent pairs of slippers.  I started going to class and I absolutely LOOOOOVE it...  it is the absolute highlight of my week.  It is the perfect level of difficulty as far as technique and pace- and it is such a great physical work out!  The rest of the week I am constantly thinking about my posture and my turn out.

I have been to about 5 or 6 classes now, and have a feel for the types of people who are taking the class.  Some are like me... some danced when they were younger but didn't pursue it after high school... some are trying it for the very first time... some danced even in college and have the perfect body and form... and at least one also attends the intermediate/advanced classes and makes sure EVERYONE knows it.

How are grown-ups like teenagers when it comes to "adult" ballet?  There are those girls who stand in the back of the room and whisper all during class.  There are those who get frustrated with the instruction and just stop participating altogether.  There are those who stand closest to the teacher, compliment her and enact every suggestion (okay that might be me... but I was always this way).  There are those who are painfully shy and who don't say a peep (even before or after class)... but still try very hard.  There are those who are just plain talented and perform everything with exceptional form and balance.  There are those who question EVERY instruction the teacher gives and correct every mistake she might make instantly, and pretend like they are only asking for clarification of a combination but really just trying to point out a flaw or that is it "TOO EASY".

The slacker, the snob, the teacher's pet, the nerd, the jock, and the BITCH.  We're all there.

Glad my Monday night ballet class reminds me so much of my Monday nights from 7th-12th grade..... aaaaah the nostalgia!

why isn't there a cpt code for hugs and smiles?

This past week marks my 4-month mark of being an occupational therapist.  I have grown so much in the last four months, and I feel I have made a difference, not only in individual patients, but with how this retirement community and the medical staff look at occupational therapy!

Now instead of trying to make it through one day without crying... I am trying to even remember the last time I couldn't hold myself together at work.  PROGRESS.

Now instead of stopping to ask my manager, the office coordinator, or other therapists questions all the time, I actually KNOW most of the answers, can use common sense or look things up... or just only ask every now and then. ;)

Now instead of scrambling to manage my own moderate-sized caseload at one building, I am managing (almost) THREE caseloads at three buildings, and I regularly supervise a COTA at one of the sites.

Now instead of bashfully approaching the CNAs, RNs, activity staff, or social worker with questions or recommendations for a patient, I know almost everyone by name, and can confidently approach them with updates about a resident.  Bonus: Nearly everyone knows MY name and approaches ME all the time without me having to pursue follow up.

Now instead of freaking out about having a call a patient's spouse, child, or POA, I dive into the conversation, stand up for my "clinical opinion", and get high off of nods of understanding (if in person) or the occasional "thank you".

Now instead of worrying whether the facility staff even "like" me... I regularly get complimented on not only being "likeable", but approachable, innovative, and creative with my programs.  This is seeming to lead to a nearly constant influx of referrals from nursing, thus keeping me employed and busy. :)

Now instead of worrying about how I'm just gonna make it through a 60-minute treatment with a difficult case,  my patients don't want to be discharged because they don't want to "lose" me, or are afraid of losing what they'd gained in therapy.

Now instead of feeling like I'm always walking into a sea of strangers, I wave at, hug, and chat with former patients (or residents who I haven't even had on caseload!) and feel like I have a second family.

 It is AMAZING how much things have changed in my short stint of being a big-time clinician.  I think when you are forced into a really difficult situation, even if you're in way over your head you can adapt to it and figure it out.

I have SO much more to learn. I am still so SLOW at everything with my job.  But then I remember that I didn't study for two years and work through challenging clinicals to be a "fast" worker.  I trained to be an ethical, evidence-based, client-centered clinician.  I have to remind myself that learning to balance time management with good practice is an advanced skill that I'm not going to suddenly figure out tomorrow, or next month.  If I have to choose one area to focus the most energy on- it's got to be the good practice.  I owe it to myself, my patients, and my company to do the absolute best job that I can, not the fastest.  It's hard to remember that when this industry places so much value on time and money.

At the end of the day, I just can't put a price tag on those things I mentioned above.  I might not get reimbursed for hugs, but health care without the "care" isn't worth a penny in my book.

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Excited to link up with Medical Mondays today!  I haven't linked up for a few months but I am excited to be back and try the blogging thing again... now with a little more experience under my belt, and a little bit more settled in my home, my career, and my routine since when I started.  Though I haven't posted in quite some time... know that I still frequently check up on a several of the medical-related blogs on here that I "follow", so I have been very sneakily still keeping ties!

A little background: I am a 20-something, "new" occupational therapist working in geriatrics for a large national rehab company, learning to navigate the real world of health care (not the fake one with unlimited time, resources, and overflowing "evidence" like we are taught in school...).  I have very few friends who are connected to the medical field/health care... one of whom is the ex-boy (who since transitioned to being one of my best friends), which just adds to the trickiness of figuring out how that whole "love" thing fits into all of this.  And sometimes I just like to write about it. :)



Any words of encouragement, ideas for posts, and motivation for writing a regular basis (like... more than once a month?) would be sooo appreciated!